4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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