No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
