just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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