I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
