i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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