Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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