The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
