we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
