I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
