So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
