Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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