mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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