I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
