He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
