When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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