she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
