i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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