If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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