Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
