Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
