Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
