There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
