I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
