im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
