Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
