i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
