No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
