I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
