Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
