Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
