Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
