I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
