remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
