Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
