Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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