Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
