So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
