I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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