my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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