Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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