guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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