what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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