i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
