I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So vagazzling was a success
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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