When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
