Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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