i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My vagina is officially offended.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
