I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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