Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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