My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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