That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
