She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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